500 Days of Sober
Wednesday marked my five hundredth day of sobriety. I woke up feeling emotionally wobbly, and this feeling persisted throughout the entire day and into the following day as well.
I started the day by sharing this milestone with a supportive group of women in an online meeting with Ray of Light members. Ray Of Light was started by the "sober, dignified, creative woman," Tammi Salas. As she describes it on her website: "The Ray of Light membership is for women who have creative longings - the seekers and dreamers, the mid-lifers going through the thick of things. It's a safe place for storytelling, cultivating healthy connections, and sparking creativity." I had recently joined the group, and this was my second meeting. They were very supportive, applauding and congratulating me. Tammi, who has been sober for eight years, shared that she vividly remembered her own 500th sober day and revealed that she had almost relapsed.
This admission was exactly what I needed to hear. It's incredibly helpful for me when others share the challenges they've faced in life. I appreciate this, even if they didn't emerge unscathed. For me, another person revealing their struggle is a way of connecting. This is one of the reasons why social media leaves me feeling disconnected and lonely. It's mostly people sharing their lives while omitting their struggles. There is usually just a one-sided representation of a person's experiences—the good stuff only. At the extreme, it can also be a place for sharing the very terrible happenings in the world without any personal connection. It's like shouting, "Look at this devastating, terrible thing! Now please like my vacation photo and what I bought.” It’s emotional whiplash for my brain.
After we all logged off, Tammi sent me a text and encouraged me to keep going and to celebrate myself. I truly want to do that, to celebrate my progress without relying on alcohol or material possessions to do that. Of course, there's nothing wrong with treating myself to a purchase in celebration. However, I wanted to explore alternative ways to acknowledge and honor my achievements without needing to buy something. Not sure what to do, I went ahead and tried different things to find a new way to celebrate.
First, I got creative and made art. Earlier that morning, one of the women in the group introduced me to an app called Shuffles, which allows you to create digital collages easily. I gave it a try and made a collage using images I liked, along with the words "500 days." I saved it as my new wallpaper on my iPhone. Afterward, I wrote a brief list of things I was grateful for: “Grateful for 500 days of sobriety. Grateful to feel this wide range of emotions today. Grateful for sober communities. Grateful for a place to put this. Grateful to be alive.” I shared both the collage and the gratitude list with my online sober community. Even though I still felt a bit uneasy, I knew I was taking steps in the right direction towards feeling more grounded.
Later, I joined a sobriety support speaker meeting where I had the opportunity to listen to another woman share her personal journey of recovery. Her story not only gave me additional reasons to be grateful but also provided me with fresh ideas to incorporate into my own recovery process. One tip that particularly resonated with me was her suggestion to simply wander around a TJ Maxx (for me, a plant nursery or my favorite second-hand store) when life becomes overwhelming. Sometimes I just need a harmless distraction and to take a break from it all.
In the evening, I was still feeling meh. I decided to focus on my breathing. I lit some candles, played a relaxing playlist of lo-fi chill beats, and laid on my bed, staring at the ceiling for thirty minutes. Afterward, I called it a night and went to sleep. I’d practiced using the tools I've learned and I didn't drink. It felt underwhelming but I’m still sober and day 500 is done.
Thank you for reading this. I hope you'll come back. I'll be over here.
