Write It Down

Revising the stories in my head.

There was a time in my adult life when I practiced a lot of hot yoga. The style was similar to a trademark style of hot yoga named after a notorious sexual predator whose name I will not mention. The class I took was called Hot Power Fusion and lasted about an hour. It consisted of a sequence of around 26 postures practiced in a heated room with high humidity. This caused me to leave the class drenched in sweat and in a state of euphoria.

At one point, I developed a rash on my chest that I thought might be a heat rash from all the hot yoga I was practicing. It was extremely itchy, and I tried using over-the-counter cream and taking Benadryl, but it kept getting worse. Then the tops of my thighs started to itch, and one night I woke up to find myself clawing at my skin without feeling any relief, just an overwhelming need to continue scratching. I ran a cold bath and plunged my body into the water, trying to put out the fire. This went on for a few weeks, with moments of not feeling the sensation to scratch followed by uncontrollable raking with my nails, usually at night, without any relief from the itchiness, making me feel like I was losing my mind.

I finally went to see a doctor, and it turned out I had scabies. Scabies are microscopic mites that burrow under the skin to live and lay eggs. Ew. They are easily spread through skin-to-skin contact, like a handshake. I thought we all agreed to stop shaking hands — because, COVID. However, recently at a birthday party, people wanted to shake my hand. No thank you, you might have scabies. The doctor wrote a prescription for a cream that is applied from the neck down and left on for eight hours. Voila! No more scabies.

The point of my gross story is that something was terribly wrong, and it took me a while to take real action. The same can be said of drinking alcohol. It was during the first three months of the pandemic when the salon was closed, and I was staying at home, that my drinking and drug use peaked. When it was time to go back to work, I knew that I needed to make a change and that I needed help doing it. I hired a coach and signed up for a thirty-day break from alcohol. This was a commitment to not drink alcohol for thirty days, not a decision to never drink again. I wasn't ready to say never again.

It can be incredibly challenging to make a change when surrounded by people who expect you to stay the same. There is a huge benefit in being in a group with women who share my struggle and my desire to take a break. Hearing other women talk about their cravings or when they drank and didn't know why made me feel less alone, and it was the first time I experienced a sober community. The next month, I quit using other drugs for good. I joined the ongoing coaching membership and continued to learn more about how the brain works, embodiment, and letting go of shame. I didn't drink for eight months.

I then decided the break was over, and that I was ready to reintroduce alcohol. I thought I could be mindful and aware about my drinking, it was foolish to think so while under the influence of alcohol. I was at a nice dinner in Las Vegas with my husband, sitting next to windows overlooking the Bellagio fountains and the sparkling Eiffel Tower. I ordered a Grey Goose martini with a twist, one of my favorites because it mostly contained alcohol, allowing me to order one and maximize my alcohol intake. When we ordered dessert, I quickly added a Limoncello and Prosecco to the mix, going from zero to one very strong drink to three in total. That's how alcohol was for me. I had gone eight months without alcohol, and then straight back to overdoing it. For the rest of the year, I attempted to moderate my drinking, but it wasn't always successful.

During the last year of trying to moderate my drinking, I was sober more often than not. However, when I did drink, it was usually in very large amounts, often ending in a blackout. There was a change in that I didn't spiral into shame the way I used to before getting coaching. I had new skills and practices to apply, even though I experienced epic fails in trying to moderate. My coach calls this practice "learn and move on." Think of yourself as a scientist, gathering facts and taking notes. Stay curious, avoid shame and judgment. Notice the story your mind is telling you. Ask yourself, "Is that thought really true?" Write it all down and get it out of your head onto paper. This is a way to separate the thought from you, the observer of the thought. In this separation, it can be easier to see that the thought in your head is just a sentence in your mind that can be edited or deleted. It’s not an unchangeable truth about who you are.

Thank you for reading this. I hope you'll come back. I'll be over here.