Bedtime Bump

How it was.

It's bedtime around 10pm on a weeknight. My husband has an early morning tomorrow and will be working from his home office. The startup he's been with since 2013 has always been virtual, and he and his coworkers from all over the world have always worked from home. These past few months at the beginning of the pandemic are no different for them in that way.

I don’t have work tomorrow since the salon has been closed for three months now. Although I'm not tired, I go through the ritual of getting ready for bed: washing my face, applying a spritz of toner, and smoothing over a layer of thick night cream. With the extra time off, I've stepped up my dental hygiene by flossing my teeth every day, so that's a plus. Our bedroom is open concept to the master bathroom, separated by a half wall. There are two vanity mirrors and two pedestal sinks on the bathroom side opposite from where my husband is already in bed, watching TV. I put on my pajamas and open my vanity mirror. From the top shelf, behind the hairspray, I take down a tiny plastic bag about the size of a bag used for extra buttons on a new shirt. Next to the bag is a straw that I've cut into a two-inch length. I have several of these straws tucked around the house in various places where I could sneak a quick bump. I open up the bag and sprinkle a tiny mound of white powder onto the bathroom counter. Being very quiet, I put one end of the straw to my nostril and plug the other nostril with my index finger. Hovering the straw over the white powder I very quietly and quickly inhale. The inside of my nose burns and I silently wince.

I know it’s strange snorting cocaine before bed but I’m-not-tired. I’m just pretending to go to bed. My nose is clogged and sore. My eyes have been swollen for days and I’ve been blaming allergies for the conditions of both my nose and eyes. When I do get tired and finally fall asleep I wake a few hours later completely drenched in sweat. My clothes wet, my side of the bed a soggy mess.

I’m waking in the morning and having a line or two before I work out. I’m exercising everyday and I think that must be good. Throughout the day I’m having a line or two before I clean the house. The house is so clean, I cleaned the plants today. A line or two before I walk the dog- more dog walks than ever before! 

If I get too amped, I smoke pot and have a drink. If I get too drunk or stoned, I do a line or two. I bought a bottle of tequila and drank it in two days. I texted a friend and told her about the tequila. She texted back: Everyone is drinking more right now.

Back in the bathroom with my bedtime bump, the inside of my nose is scabby. It's stuffed, but nothing comes out when I blow it. I know that all of this - the bloody, blocked, dysfunctional nose, the red, itchy eyes and my sweaty body - are signs that I'm doing too much. I also know that I'm no longer actually feeling high or euphoric.

I don't remember if I finished what I had or if I flushed it down the toilet. That was the last time I used cocaine that I can recall.

I'm standing there in my pajamas, about to be soaked with sweat, and I hear my own voice in my head say, “I love you Tifani and I'm going to take care of you.”

Thank you for reading this. I hope you'll come back. I'll be over here.