Personal Responsibility
Something that happens every August is that I have a birthday.
A friend of mine likes to take her age and turn it into a software update. For example, I am now forty-three years old, which would be version four point three. I like this idea – an upgrade that happens every year, overnight while I’m asleep.
I’ve been listening to the podcast Wiser Than Me with Julia Louis-Dreyfus. She interviews women who are ten, twenty, and thirty years wiser than her. She has a few questions that she asks every guest. One of the questions is, “Is there something you would go back and tell yourself when you were 21?” I find this question really challenging. My first thought is that I want to tell my twenty-one-year-old self to stay away from alcohol. The fact is I had plenty of adults in my life telling me to stay away from alcohol, and I ran towards it anyway. When Julia asks 90-years-wise comedian Carol Burnett this, she answers, “No, nothing, I think. No, if I gave myself some advice, I wouldn't be where I am now. You know you had to go through it – dejection, certain kinds of sorrows, happiness, sorrow, happiness, and so forth. So I don't know what would have happened if I had gone back and given myself some advice.” This is exactly my thought. I wouldn't be the person I am today if I had made different choices.
When 85-years-wise actress Jane Fonda was asked, “Is there something you would go back and tell yourself when you were 21?” Her answer was, “No is a complete sentence.” Now that’s great advice.
In my coach training, I’ve been learning about how Personal Responsibility can lead to Personal Empowerment. In a nutshell, it’s to our full advantage to assume full responsibility for the circumstances of our life as well as our reactions to these circumstances.
A coaching tool that helps with this practice is called E + R = O. This stands for Event plus Response equals Outcome.
If we don’t like the outcome we’re getting in life, we can choose to:
Blame the event for our outcome.
or
Change our response to the event.
The formula E + R = O acknowledges that we do encounter heartbreak and intense emotions such as fear and disappointment. Regardless of our circumstances, we always retain the ability to make a choice. Our ultimate choice lies in our attitude.
In his book Man's Search for Meaning, Victor Frankl asserts that while suffering is inevitable, we have the power to decide how we handle it, uncover significance within it, and progress with a revived sense of purpose. Frankl contends that our fundamental motivation in life revolves around uncovering and pursuing what holds personal meaning for us.
A writing exercise from Train the Trainer Online with Jack Canfield highlights how you can take more responsibility for the outcomes you are experiencing in life. Following each prompt, write five different endings to each sentence:
If I were to take 5% more responsibility for my life and well-being I would
If I were to take 5% more responsibility for living my passion I would
If I were to take 5% more responsibility for the attainment of my goals I would
If I were to take 5% more responsibility for the success of my relationships I would
If I were to take 5% more responsibility for the level of my self-esteem I would
Some examples of how to complete these sentences based on the work of Nathaniel Branden, Ph.D. are:
If I were to take 5% more responsibility for my life and well-being
I would exercise 30 minutes a day.
I would only eat fast food one time per week.
I would meditate more often.
I would get more sleep.
If I were to take 5% more responsibility for living my passion
I would ask for what I want.
I would spend more time writing.
I would laugh more.
I would schedule more free time.
If I were to take 5% more responsibility for the attainment of my goals
I would do five things a day to get me closer to my goal.
I would spend an extra hour a day in action rather than watching tv.
I would share my goals with family and friends and ask for accountability.
I would do the one thing that I have been procrastinating on.
If I were to take 5% more responsibility for the success of my relationships
I would plan quality time with others and put it on my calendar.
I would have a date night every week with my spouse.
I would talk less and listen more.
I would keep my agreements and only say yes when I mean it.
If I were to take 5% more responsibility for the level of my self-esteem
I would ask for what I want.
I would take more training and seminars to stay positive.
I would create a list of my successes and review them often.
I would surround myself with positive people.
There are three responses that we have control over:
Our behavior.
Our thoughts and beliefs (both conscious and unconscious).
Our mental imagery of the future.
By owning our responsibility, we develop our self-esteem. Blaming others can be a distraction, causing us to look outside of ourselves for solutions to our problems. When we look inside ourselves to see how we are creating what we experience through our thoughts, mental-images, and behaviors, we find power in knowing we are responsible for our outcome.
Thank you for reading this. I hope you'll come back. I'll be over here.
