Bored Not Broken
Often mixed within my feelings of overwhelmed and exhausted is boredom.
It’s a confusing combination. Boredom was more prevalent for me at the beginning of my sobriety; the first three months were the most intense. When I quit drinking, I also took a break from social media. I deleted my Facebook account, which I had since 2005. For some reason, I was more attached to an Instagram account and could only bring myself to disable, not delete, my account, telling myself I was taking a break from it.
After eight months of sobriety and a break from Instagram, I decided to reactivate my Instagram account. At first, it was nice. Before I took the break, I had cleaned up my feed, unfollowed some accounts, and taken steps to reduce ads. My feed was now filled with poets, artists, authors, sobriety-related content, and actual friends.
Within three days, I find myself scrolling a lot, spending a significant amount of time watching videos, and forwarding memes. After forwarding, commenting and tagging I notice a kind of rush. My heart races, my breathing becomes fast, and I feel tension in my shoulders and chest. I feel like an addict, though not in the sense of wanting to drink or use drugs. It's more like I've just used drugs.
That night, I had a terrible sleep. I wake up at 4:30 am and go lie on the couch. I have the feeling of a hangover—not the headache, but the depression. I decide I need to deactivate my Instagram account again. This time, Instagram tells me I have to wait a week to deactivate. I feel panic.
At 9 am, I attend a virtual sobriety support meeting. I really can't focus during the meeting; my mind is occupied with Instagram. I feel like I need to get rid of it right now. I decide to permanently delete my Instagram account. The sobriety support meeting is happening in the background while I'm searching for instructions on how to do this. Although I'd have to wait a week to disable my Instagram, I'm allowed to permanently delete my account now. I select 'YES' to delete the account. A message appears: In thirty days, if I don't log in, my account will be permanently deleted. For accountability and to keep myself from logging in, I text friends that I've deleted Instagram. I exhale. I feel better immediately. It feels like pouring a bottle of wine down the sink when you want to be done with it.
When I removed drugs, alcohol, and Instagram, there was space that my brain wanted to fill with pleasure, also known as dopamine. Find pleasure, avoid pain, repeat- do it as easily as possible says the brain.
One step in rewiring my brain was that I had to increase my tolerance for boredom. This was achieved by allowing the boredom; I had to sit with it. Increasing my exposure to boredom was uncomfortable. Teaching the brain that being bored is not an emergency that needs to be fixed takes time and practice. Meditation has helped tremendously with this.
Another part is learning what I actually enjoy doing. Finding pleasure without alcohol and a screen requires effort. These other activities deliver a less potent amount of dopamine. The brain has to adjust. One amazing thing about the brain is that it will regulate to find balance. I've come to understand that I cannot go up without coming down. By minimizing the extreme highs, I can avoid the extreme lows. With time, the lesser amounts of Dopamine do feel satisfying.
The purpose of the following activity is to recognize if you are trying new things, doing what you love, and how often. This is a starting point, with activities you know you enjoy. From this place, it may be easier to figure out what to try next. In my journey of sobriety, I've experimented with various activities. Some I've enjoyed include sewing, walking, Pickleball, and writing. Others weren't for me, such as knitting, painting, running, or dance fitness. I'm still taking classes, trying new things, and remaining open to the list changing.
To start, write a list of twenty things you love to do. Make six columns to the right of the list. Label the column headings with the following: ♡, $, P/S, 5 , A/T, Time.
Starting with the first thing on your list, mark each column that applies the following:
Tiny Heart: Draw a heart in this column if it’s important that your significant other/closest person shares this passion or loves to do the same thing.
Dollar sign: Draw a $ if this activity costs more than ten dollars every time you do it.
P/S: Do you prefer to Plan or be Spontaneous for this activity?
5: If you’ve started doing this within the last five years, check this row. If you don’t have many things you’ve tried within the last five years you may want to try some new hobbies or activities.
A/T: You prefer to do this activity Alone or Together with others.
Time: Mark this box if you have done this activity in the last six months. You may realize that you haven't done things you like in a long time or that you do activities you love quite often.
You may find some surprising insights from this activity. Take a few minutes to reflect on your completed list and finish the following sentences:
I discovered that:
I want to:
Thank you for reading this. I hope you'll come back. I'll be over here.
